Writing away the pain

 01st January 20222

Yes I’m still alive! Yes I’m breathing...It’s been almost 2 weeks now. I’m doing better, yes I’m doing better. I didn’t thought I’d be in what I’d so gladly identity as ‘good spirits’ just yet but it seems to me that I do, Yes I do! I’m crying but I’m happy. I will not seek closure anymore, it’s not because I won’t get one actually, but because I believe that I don’t need it. I was grieving the fact that I need a final conversation, an explanation, some kind of alibi...a valid ‘reason’ to wash away the pain, but I was afraid to admit it. I thought I could never get away with that feeling of something being incomplete...unachieved that disgusting feeling of an ‘unhappy’ending and that crippling fear of actually not being to do anything about it. That constant nagging urge that you have to speak, to demand solace, to beg for it! Now I understand that not all endings have to be happy, right? Life is no fairy tale after all! The pain has to be lived, to even be savored. It ought to be accepted, it ought to be embraced. Every feeling, good or bad, is within me, its source is within me. It has erupted from the volcano of my soul, from the depths of my existence...and I’m fully responsible for it. I will bring every nascent feeling into FULL existence and I am not afraid! Everything will be OK, I know it, Of that I am convinced convinced!

May

Post-Grad's Nostalgia

"It's officially over..." as my friend and classmate Sara puts it.

I'll miss you good old school days, I know I'll grow very nostalgic of you just as I know that this is a normal and somewhat inevitable outcome of one of life's most important stages, and that is now time to tackle the upcoming ones...

Untitled

My heart is sore from a what I read today in a diary that I found on the street, I'd spare you the details of this sad and weird encounter but reading through its pages conforted my long-standing conviction, that (highly) sensitive, self-aware, ,scrupulous, with-strong-self esteem people don't have any place in this society of ours. People judge too early and would never let go of their preconceptions, and this hurts A LOT!!

We are boys and girls...of the new world treading young

 Here are some pictures that I've taken throughout the week without having been able to process them before yesterday.

I've got to say that seing beautiful photos sets on Flickr and similar sites always stir up a photography nerve in me. I admit ( It's quite obvisous) that my work isn't half as beautiful, but I hope I'd be able to do better on future occasions.

This site (here) helped me with achieving the "retro "effect I so like in photos; the one with scratches (picture in the upper right) is of a particular appeal to me.
That said, I have the stringent urge to buy a professionnal camera, although I'm not sure I can handle the tool properly being a hobbyist.

"She doesn't speak...so much that I thought she might have trouble with the staff members

 This post is rage-induced utter nonsense

why can't people just leave you in peace!
They ask you to sociabilize when you least feel like it
...well I've got nothing to say, nothing to ask
Mute is my by default setting
So F*** OFF!!!
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Earlier this day (on my diary):
- Faire le tour des bureaux le matin pour saluer les gens est à mes yeux un supplice plus insoutenable que les douze travaux d'Hercule réunis; mais je le fais comme même...convenance sociale (hypocrito-sociale) exige!
-  Ce nouveau recrue auquel je tends la main pour le saluer et qui me tend le bout de ses doigts en contrepartie comme si j'étais atteinte d'une maladie manuellement transmissible.
- Le monsieur derrière moi incarnant la joie de vivre, d'une gaieté rare frôlant la naïveté. Souriant, bavard et multi-relationnel me fait sentir socialement anxieuse!

Irony

Today I cried, something I never thought I would do
Though it makes me happy to know, that I'm not a sadist like you

After all this time

 on flickr

Please understand that I'm not that "mean-spirited"
I'm just being realistic because this is what I've always known myself to be
This is probably by far my most cherished virtue
the only trait of my personality I'd always take pride on
and I just can't let go of it
not for anything
not for anyone
and obvisously not for now
...and for now I'm craving a new book
  

Old but unwise (Birthday musing)

I'm turning twenty-three today...and this actually scares me.

It scares me because it reminds me (like every year) that I'm not good at keeping up with the pace of getting older. My birthdays have this common, unfailing characteristic among them of quite taking me by surprise.

I'm not afraid of the fact of getting older, the process itself doesn't scare me! My apprehensionstems only from the prospect that I might have to take on a different persona, to put on some kind of disuguise in order to cope with daily social interactions or responsibilities on the horizon.

I sincerely believe that my approach to life and attitude towards people ought to have changed by now. My decisions are still  tainted by a great deal of a recklessness, emotional outbursts and mere affinity. I tend to lose interest in anything not likely to help me indulge in my dreamy musings and wishful thinking, and I fear that my lack of practicality will end up making me feeling left out and disillusioned.

There are no plans or pathways clearly laid out for me that I would proudly and confidently walk. Moroever my deteriorating self image and confidence don't make this little world of mine any better place to live in.

However, and amidst all the frustrations, the turmoil, the highs, the lows, the deceptions, the twists and turns, I feel content with my life and am hopeful and receptive of what it has to offer. I am thankful for so many little things, for the presence of so many people and I hold the utmost unwavering confidence that better things -yes!better things- will come along.

PS: I don't smoke and smoking actually revulses me. I just liked the atmosphere of the photo above.

Listening to: Writing to Reach you by Travis

... makes me laugh, cry, sing along with it, want to fall in love, shout out any thought that happens to cross mind at the moment to the world, fall like a feather to the ground to find no cushion...and just live boundlessly.

Craving Mylo Xyloto!

Back from Black

School starts on wednesday and God I HATE that! I really do hateTHAT!!...It actually caught me by surprise.

Why do they have to start it all so early this year?...I still have books on my reading list that I haven't started yet, I still want to sleep after dawn to watch the sunrise but I mostly still need to accustom myself to my 'hair-nakedness' and embrace it. I've got no desire to show up at school without me having grasped my new reality, so that I can make it known to others and put up with any possible "harsh comments". That said, I don't think people are as nosy and intrusive as to dare making any...who gives a damn after all? and who in the world is immuned against sins and mistakes? I have an acute full knowledge of the sinful character of my deed but I'd hate having to undergo critism from peple who are in absolutely no position to lecture me on something that God and God ONLY can judge me for!

I tell myself

So I keep telling myself there where no one would ever tell me...
and I'm afraid it seems at times as if words make no sense to anyone but me.

Caught in the in-betweens

on weheartit

I thought I found a reason to get over all this

A reason to make my stand clear, to make my stand plain

but the shadows of uncertainty keep hovering over it

for cryptic my stand has been and cryptic it shall remain

Trying my best not to dwell on "whatifs" and "might have-beens"

Evidence reminds me that I'm caught in the in-betweens

Medina of Tetouan (I)

There's light at the end of the tunnel -I

A circle within a circle...

It almost looks like a painting!

" Maybe I am not very human-What I wanted to do
was to paint sunlight on the side of a house"

- Edward Hopper-

There's light at the end of the tunnel -II-

"Summer afternoon, summer afternoon; to me those have always
been the most beautiful words in the English language"
-Henry James-

Lovely kitties!

Things I'm in love with

from weheartit

I’m in love with polka dot dresses
I’m in love with beautiful music
I’m utterly in love with this Muriel Barbery's book: 'The Elegance of The Hedghog'
I’m in love with inspirational writing
I’m in love with happy memories that come unbidden… sparkling memories that so agreeably work their way into my brain and never fail to draw a wistful smile across my lips
I’m in love with sunny mornings and the delicious smell of steaming coffee
I’m in love with pink nail polish
I’m in love with the ubiquitous nature of emotions
I’m in love with moments of unadulterated happiness; I’m in love with their consistency and that feeling of generosity that nourishes them…
I’m in love with kind; I’m on love with simple
I’m in love with all those little things that give me strength to welcome each new day with unfailing hope…
…All these things I mull over as I lay in my bed, voices and images I keep playing in my head like a movie or a sweet lullaby that lulls me off to sleep…
I’m in love with love
Love as I intend it!

Worn Me Down

I'm worn down, REALLY...and that's probably all there is to it!

On late "immaturity"

I thought I was a grown-up... I realize I've become a child again!

A child with an over-inflated ego....a starkly immature human being whithout the slightest sense of judgment.

I've lost my points of reference, my mechanisms of selectivity has been distorted...my dualistic sense annihilated: What's good and what's bad, what's right and what's wrong after all?

I need my logic back, I need to look at life through those same discerning eyes I once used to have!

My selection criteria have been turned upside down, and I hate myself for that...I hate myself for having let me be reduced to such a petty and immature creature, just because I let myself be surrounded by immaturity and plunged into mimicry without my even noticing it!

In My Place

Absolutely, unconditionnaly...irrevocably in love with this!


Coldplay - in my place

I'll be your plastic toy, I'll be your plastic toy...

On weheartit

Once again, the world seems to be conspiring against my nervous system and once again I forget that at some points in life, it's better to just let go and stop trying to make sense of everything because human behavior is not governed by some sort of immutable equation...

I know I tend to over-analyze situations, and that I am a bit quick to take the blame looking for the slightest opportunity to take full reponsibility of some of life mishaps, but that's just part of who I am and I've come to realize so far that there's nothing I could do about it...

I might be touchy and overly sensitive at times, I can be impulsive, blunt and whimsical living inside my head quite a lot, forgetting about teachings and preachings and losing track of expectations but I'll keep on growing by my own standards, they're the only ones I put for myself and the only ones I'll mind living up to...and this is no illusion to growing up, I read somewhere that we grow in all directions not just up and I found this rather reassuring!

I've been asking myself this: Beyond intellectual stimulation and mutual bewilderment, what is there to blame onself for? (kind of twisted I know!)

PS: This is my 100th post, I know I should've made it somewhat different than the others but this is all I can come up with for the time being. Happy 100th post dear blog!

Sometimes...

Like everytime I see a movie and fall in love with the soundtrack, here's a song I've been absolutely waiting to put on here ever since I heard it, plus I found a video of the song with scenes that capture the essence of the movie, it's more like a sumary of it with the music in the background making the story flow on so beautifully.

My Bloody Valentine-Sometimes ( A little bit noisy but incontestably melodious :))