The retrieval...

here

So I haven't been feeling like writing those last days. I still don't know if I've mustered up all my will to write. I've been feeling dramatically lethargic , alternating between apathy and utter disaffection. It is just a kind of everything feeling suddenly so distant that I felt completely detached from reality, not relating to anything likely to put a hint of excitment into my everyday mundane existence. Sometimes, a relentless writing impulse would make my fingers graze over the keyboard aimlessly, but the only few words I managed to type came out misshaped, this massive knot of thoughts inside my head still could not be undone. I could feel it grow everyday thicker and thicker, its threads slyly tightening around my brain and taking grip on my whole being. It just made me feel sick that I was unable to write, the one thing I used to find solace in has now left me feeling helpless and uninspired.

How few yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep

While I weep-While I weep

Oh God! Can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp
-A Dream Within a Dream-

I let myself be overcome by events, I no longer wanted to over analyze them or see beyond their outward happening. Nobody can defy what fate has revealed:The original manifestation of things is unarguably the best.

It'd be so hypocritical to say that this has left me feeling any better, but I at the same didn't want to succumb to any of my questioning spirit drives. I've turned off all senses and reached a distorted form of nihilism where I felt resigned to facts instead of rejecting them and where I was receptive of the world standards and started questioning mine. By putting expectations on others, you give them the power to deceive you; but put expectations on yourself and you could be the one deceiving them.
Milan Kundera wrote in the "Unbearable Lightness of Being" that an event is more significant and noteworthy the greater the number of fortuities likely to bring it about and that chance and chance only has a message for us. Everything that occurs out of necessity, everything expected, repeated day in and day out is mute. But who can spend a lifetime reading the signs and decoding omens trying to identify meanings where there mightn't be any? I wish I could see my life in terms of "what's chance and what's not" then I wouldn't have much to grieve over, but I can't afford such distanciation in my assessment of facts. Sometimes I hate it too much that I care and can't let go of certain things that it makes me feel vulnerable and depressed.
I need ideals to hang on to and to hold in high esteem; I will think the world of them until they disullusion me and leave me seeking refuge in the safety of my isolation. It is finally a balanced equation: You fed their sense of self-importance and they gave you signs of hope that you identified with. The reign of mathematical laws in nature is so great that it hasn't spared human relationships, but nature is not evil, there then must be no harm in being subdued by the power of its momentary outbursts.

A beautiful song inspired by Sarah.K

Pulchre, Bene, Recte!

here

A dark unfathomed tide
Of interminable pride
A mystery, and a dream,
Should my early life seem;
I say that dream was fraught
With a wild and waking thought
Of beings that have been,
Which my spirit hath not seen,
Had I let them pass me by,
With a dreaming eye!
Let none of earth inherit
That vision of my spirit;
Those thoughts I would control,
As a spell upon his soul:
For that bright hope at last
And that light time have past,
And my worldly rest hath gone
With a sigh as it passed on:
I care not though it perish
With a thought I then did cherish.

"Imititation"-Edgar Allan Poe

Please try to take some time to listen to this, especially towardsthe end; the music
fades away so beautifully.

The nothingnesses of my life

here

HERE'S A GLIMPSE INTO THOUGHTS THAT HAVE BEEN POPPING INTO MY HEAD TODAY:

-I JUST MISS THE LITTLE THINGS SO MUCH BUT I KNOW I CAN NEVER GET THEM BACK, BECAUSE AS SIMPLE AS THEY ARE THEY'RE THE MOST DIFFICULT TO RETRIEVE.

- IT'S BETTER FOR ME NOT TO TAKE HINTS BECAUSE I'M MUCH BETTER OFF THE STUPID WAY!

- EVERYONE REALIZES AT SOME STAGE OF HIS EXISTENCE THAT HE'S THE ACTOR OF HIS OWN LIFE, STARRING A MOVIE OF SELF-DECEIT!!

- WE SHOULD LAUGH AT OUR MISERIES EVEN WHEN OUR HEART ACHES.

- MUSIC KEEPS ME SANE WHEN BOOKS DO ONLY FEED MY ILLUSIONS (THIS DOESN'T MEAN I WILL GIVE UP ON THEM :)

-I'M MOODY, BLUNT AND EVEN INARTICULATE, SO WHAT?

PS:THANK YOU FOR PUTTING UP WITH THE RANT.

Musical moment

A masterpiece that will shake me to the core everytime I do listen to it!


HOROWITZ piano SCHUBERT

Return to Innocence

here

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
...

Enigma-Return to innocence