Insomnia...

It's 2:00 am and I can't find sleep!
I'm trying to keep myself busy doing some homework, while I perfectly know that it's not an appropriate time for soliciting any mental capacities.
I feel like I'm getting consumed by some kind of "hyperactivity"; like my mind being constantly working. I don't know... my energy is undergoing some kind of wastful consumption and it's tiring me out!
Halt self! You're deviating to serious complaining now, and that's no good for you.
I definitely have to to go to bed, last night was one of terrible nightmares, it's strange how i've had them all right in a row, like consecutive episodes of some scary serial!

I miss the rain...

I miss the rain, I miss the sound of its drops hitting my window glass, I miss the soothing and refreshing smell of the wet morning soil, after it has rained all night long.
I need the rain to come andwash away all my fears and worries. I want to feel the cool morning breeze flowing through my veins, reaching my heart , restoring calm and serenity to my ever-rambling soul.

I need to feel the taste of its drops upon my tongue, and let them run down into my soul. I've always been fond of the rain since my childhood days, I don't know if my being born on a month like November has anything to do with that, but the heat have lasted enough for me this season, it has taken over the mild spell of the late october days. I don't want it to spoil the magic -at least in my imagination-of the upcoming month.
I blame geographical contingencies for my being born in a place where hot season prevails!

Lecture matinale

" Une liberté individuelle sans cesse augmentée conduira de plus en plus chacun à se considérer responsable de sa seule sphère personnelle, professionnelle et privée, à n'obéir en apparence qu'à s'on propre caprice et en fait aux normes fixant les exigences de sa propre survie. [...] l'homme de demain percevra le monde comme une totalité à son service, dans la limite des normes imposées par les assurances à son compotement individuel; il ne verra l'autre que comme un outil de son propre bonheur, un moyen de se procurer du plaisir ou de l'argent, voire les deux. Nul ne songera plus à se soucier d'autrui: Pourquoi partager quand il faut se battre? Pourquoi faire ensemble quand on est concurrents? Plus personne ne pensera que le bonheur d'autrui puisse lui être utile. Encore moins cherchera-t-on son bonheur dans celui de l'autre.
Le monde ne sera qu'une juxtaposition de solitudes [...], pour contrecarrer cette solitude, beaucoup choisiront de partager à tout âge, avec d'autres, provisoirement ou durablement, un toit des biens, des avantages, des combats, des jeux [...]. Beaucoup checheront dans ces réseaux d'ininies occasions de rencontres précaires rémunérées ou non."

Je n'ai pas choisi de publier cet extrait d'une "brève histoire de l'avenir" pour faire l'éloge de ce prototype humain décrit par Jacques Attali et qui est selon lui la manifestation de la "première vague de l'avenir."
En fait, ce culte du moi, ce mouvement vers le triomphe de valeurs indivudialistes (si tant est qu'on puisse les nommer ainsi) a toujours eu tendance à me faire peur et à susciter ma révulsion.
Ainsi, m'étais-je surprise ce matin à lire et à relire le passage ci dessus, pensant longuement à l'avenir inéluctable vers lequel tend les relations humaines.
Ces valeurs qui régiront le monde de demain, prônant unconditionnellement la prévilégisation du bien être individuel, feront s'ils ne le font déjà que tout le monde soit en quête de cette propulsion du Moi au dessus de la masse humaine, qui n'est désormais qu'un "amas" d'autruis tous considérés concurrents, se livrant ainsi à la recherche perpétuelle d'un bonheur ne pouvant exister qu'en puisant dans celui des autres.
Cette image "morose" quoique loin d'être surprenante pour moi de l'avenir de nos sociétés humaines, ne m'a pas laissé cependant indifférente.
Cet homme n'est-il pas en train de nous livrer sans déguisement quelconque l'image de nos relations de tous les jours sous sa forme la plus crue?
On a beau prétendre ne pouvoir évoluer qu'au sein d'une société en compagnie d'individus, on nous assome chaque jour à coup de doses d'humain, qu'on nous incorpore du matin à l'école jusqu'au soir en regardant sa télé, bref : dans tout ce à dont l'autre puisse prendre part jusqu'à ce qu'on y adhère par quelque candide besoin.
Certes on ne peu nier que ce qui définit l'intinct humain sont les sentiments. Ils sont à la base de toutes nos réactions, on n'agit qu'en réponse à cette pulsion qui n'est autre que celle du ressenti. Un ressenti qui si jamais réprimé ne manque pas de se manifester sans que l'on se rende vraiment compte. Tout celà par rapport à autrui, ce même autrui épris d'absolu dans la satisfaction de ses désirs, dans sa quête perpétuelle du bonheur que rien ne semble pouvoir assouvir.
En écrivant ces quelques lignes le matin dans ma chambre à l'internat, je songeai à quel point je devrais intégrer cette dimension de l'autre dans ma vie quotidienne.
Je ne me plairais pas à me décrire comme étant le modèle humain dont il est question au passage, je suis d'ailleurs loin de pouvoir en faire partie quoique j'en aie vraiment envie par moments. Et si un jour j'y adhère par quelque force majeur, je n'oserai m'en vanter aussi ostensiblement.
Parce que jusqu'à ce moment, je sais que cette perception que je me fais de l'autre ne laisse pas de se répercuter sur mon être, meuble mes moments de solitude de réflexions tous intégrant l'"autre". L'autre puissant, l'autre subversif, l'autre vulnérable, l'autre caméléon ne me cesse de me surprendre chaque jour de plus en plus.

21 Guns

21 Guns is a song by Green day I just found about today.
It's one of the band's greatest hits, I've added it to my playlist and can'tstop listening to it ever since. One of my best starting today!
I find the music particularly overwhelming, perfectly matching my mood . It made me cry like I never thought I would today.
It's strange how one song can brings forth the most buried of feelings and purify the soul, oh how much it does!

Do you know what's worth fighting for?

When it's not worth dying for?

Does it take your breath away

And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?

And you look for a place to hide?

Did someone break your heart inside?

You're in ruins

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road

And you lost all sense of control

And your thoughts have taken their toll

When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass

And the hangover doesn't pass

Nothing's ever built to last

You're in ruins

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own

When you burned down the house and home?

Did you stand too close to the fire

Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die

And you can't get another try

Something inside this heart has died

You're in ruins

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

-Green day '21 Guns'-

In my head...

Some memories strike when you least expect it, hurt like hell and leave you carry a feeling of deep tearing mourning.

I don't know if i should even call them memories, they're more like distorted images of the past, with nothing special about them that could make them pop up that often in my head, but maybe they took place on times I do miss now without my even knowing why, reminding me of a more serene mind set. I can recall there was a smell of joy in the air, i can hear laughs warming up the cold weather of a cold october evening, i'm sure i was happy at the time, i'm so damn sure i was!.

It's about much time i cease to be a "helpless nostalgic", it makes me weak and it sucks the life out of me. I'm growing weary of all my subconcious tricks, a button of mental stop should be pressed and i just can't put my finger on it!

PS: This is my second post in my series of "delirious state of mind entries". If any insanity premises are being freed from what's written, please let me know.

Delirium...

In my last entry, i talked about the time i'd be back in here, to purge out my soul out of this intamable voice inside my head that'd be urging me to write!
well...it is generally on times like these when i'm overflowing with emotions , that i know i should release some of this intensity (i don't know whether it's an intensity of emotions or a disguised feeling of real tension), but on times like these, I know i should sit at my desk and do the typing write in here, let words come out, take over me, take over every fear of acknowledging what i'd feel at that time, immerse my self in that stream of unbrideled emotions, write my wrongs, my frustrations, my imperfections but even my moments of sheer hilary and euphoriac delirium (i don't have any for now)
But my emotions write now are so mixed up, i've been alternating betwen several moods those last days that i don't know which of them is guiding my seek of relief for now, I don't know why i am even writing this now, maybe my yesterday peturbed night and my first day strangling morning phobia are catching me back! but i'm home now and that makes all the inspiration of the moment, if i stayed in that place i know i'd be by now putting my head into that dusty cupboard and screaming all this out loud!
PS: This last sentence doesn't make any sense and i know it, i hope i'll be back with some thing more readable, until then wish me as they put it themselves a happy integration (to be pronounced in solennel french accent).