And it's hard to be me...

Je ne me sens pas d'humeur à écrire, je ne me sens d'humeur à rien de toute façon!
Il fallait que cet élan dépressif persiste pour que je continue à écrire, je regrette d'être aussi tragique, j'essaie d'y remédier autant que je peux mais ma réalité me rattrappe assez souvent.
Ceci dit, je ne me fais pas trop de scrupules pour mon manque d'inspiration, ce mot sonne prétentieux mais j'ai remarqué que pas mal de gens l'utilisent pour désigner ce déclic qui surgit soudain en panne de mots, d'idées ou de potentiel d'action faute de stimuli quelconque.
Cependant lorque je me surprends parfois à lire et à relire quelque texte que j'ai écrit, je ne peux m'empêcher d'admirer en secret ce flôt d'idées parfois même incohérentes, je m'étonne à la capacité de mon imagination à créer encore une juxtaposition de mots capables de former un sens quand mon cerveau aurait sonné le glas de toute tentative "créativiste".
J'ignore ce sentiment d'exaltation des sens qu'éprouvent les artistes devant les oeuvres finies, ce devrait procurer une montée d'adrénaline que je suis loin de pouvoir expérimenter un jour.
Je me contente donc d'écrire pour me alléger mon esprit, atténuer ma détresse car sinon je deviendrais proie facile à mes idées nauséabondes!

I love it when it rains

It's raining right now!
I'm bored of the sunshine
I wish the rain would keep on falling...

A Beautiful Revolution

So...i didn't write for a whole week . I wouldn't pride myself on my-not-having-anything-good to-say state of mind, but I guess I have been quite a babbling blogger lately which finally amounts to nothing good. However, today i've decided update my blog, it would be a shame not doing so on an empty sunday and what is more while being on a vacation!
I envy those people can afford the genius of wallowing themselves in mutiness from time to time and do not blog until they have something brilliant to share, I'd personnaly interpret it as a the sign of a stability and inner peace phase which is absolutely not my case .
I keep reading over my last entries, and except one of them I think , they're all depressive; but that's nothing I ignore. Why would I just? This is the only one thing that's been urging me to come and write very often this whole month.
I'm one who believe in extremes, there are no half measures for me to do the things I really need to to do. This is mostly revealed in writing, because unless I reach this intensity treshhold in feelings or thoughts I know I won't be able to put down a single word; or even if I manage to write something by the conjunction of some conditions I ignore, I know that it's nothing I really want to convey.

Some of the works I really admired today is the Postcards I may send Section from a blog called A Beautiful Revolution, from where I got the picture above.
The drawings are so simple yet very funny and revealing, I decidedly grew to love the blog.
Along with this new finding, I started my day with another good bunch of postcards from postsecrets, it's becoming my favorite sunday ritual.
PS: I'm enjoying a wonderful piano ballad called The Meadow from the New Moon soundtrack, though I haven't seen the movie yet, the few opinions I got to gather haven't been very encouraging.

I don't know how I feel at this precise moment.
I don't know how I've even made up my mind to come and write in here, my mind is blank and my thoughts are extremely confused.
I feel different things at a time, I'm tired but I can't go to sleep, I'm anxious without my being able to know why, I'm bored and my fingers are swollen, though quite prematurely this year since winter hasn't started yet.
I went to see my friends after class with a sore throat and a heart swollen with joy! I hadn't seen them in more than a month.
I was crazy excited, and spent the whole afternoon chatting and laughing so much that I compeletely lost my -already having started to get hoarse -voice.
I felt joy and euphoria in an afternoon more than I could've felt in months and bursted into tears on my way back home!
PS: I'm getting extremely unproductive, and can't settle myself down to work. Damn my laziness!!

Uninspired...

My memory frightens me!
It is uncontrollable, untameable and is taking power over me. It just makes me feel hepless that I can do nothing to fight or just follow its course. It has this power to play sounds in my ears, bring images into my sight and makes me immerse myself in the sheer illusion of the moment.
I just lose track of all that's around me and start living whithin my thoughts. I know that it is just my imagination, that I have to get back to reality, that reality is after all what makes me seek relief in my thoughts but I feel different, my fears are chased away and the stream of my thoughts is stirring...sometimes tears even start coming down my face and I suddenly find myself crying bitterly.
I'm not depressed, I'm not being suicidal developing any will to escape from the life I lead, there are so many things I feel thankful for, I'm just sad and don't seem to be able to let get go of things from my past that I sometimes feel the need to lose hold on reality, reality for me is not a moment fixed in time, not a state, not a fact or series of facts that are taking place but it reveals my whole way of thinking, and thinking can be on times harder to endure than any sad reality!

Scattered thoughts...

I can feel life flowing through my veins again
I haven't felt quite like this for days
I don't know what the future holds
But I'm ready to embrace it
I feel free
I feel vivid
I feel alive
I'm enchanted by the serenity of my soul
It's within me
Trying to reach out from deep under my skin
But it can't surface
It won't surface
It's so magical
So unreal
That I don't want anything to bellitle it
I don't want it to be revealed through some mundane reality
Its abstraction fascinates me...
Maybe I'm starting to rave again
But it no longer frigthens me
Call me hormonal, call me emotional, call me a softy
I'm just a dreamer
And that's enough for me!

Yet another rambling post

So I lost my passion to write the last couple of days. Words have completely eluded me while clumsy thoughts kept rushing through my head.
I had a prolonged-14-hours sleep on friday night, which seem to have only loosend my muscles and made me feel even lazier. But that's because I was also starting to catch a bad cold, so I took one of those flu medicines that always makes you end up curling up under a blanket, and so I succombed to the whim of two consecutive nights of huge sleep; not without some sting of culpability-, but I hope I'll make up for this later on this week.

PS: I'm waiting impatiently for the relase of "new moon" which will be in the few days to come, I definitely loved the book and hope that the movie will be as good!

Letter to self

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeak I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here not there'
(not there)
And you'd give anythingto get what's fair
(what's fair)
But fair ain't what you really need
Can't you see what I see

They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, so I never thought I could
Steady feet don't fail me now
I will run 'til you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down

[Lyrics by One Republic]
-------------------------------------------------
Dear self,

I know you've been trying so hard to fight this contradictory feelings mingle inside you.
You've been living inside your thoughts for quite some time now, taking refuge in the endless possibilities your unbrideled imagination provided you with, it didn't seem it could ever work with you, but it finally did, and you should feel blessed for that!
There's been something wrong with you, that no one seemed to be able to help with and that you didn't know much about yourself.

But your imagination didn't fail you, your tendancy to feel things intensively turned out to be something positive this time, the little joys of life could still make you feel exhilarated; it made you feel safe amidst all the uncertainties surrounding you.

You've never been a fervent adept of change,the word 'new' alone gave and still gives shills down your spine. It doesn' take anyone much time or perspicacity to bring forth this side of you.
Your love for your fiends is endless and it will ever be, and it won't be easy for you to leave them behind. But that's nothing new, it's always been the case with you.
You should be able to face it all, and start positivising more about things around you.
I wish you the bestof luck

The other you,

In a mess...

As I said in my previous post, work is starting to take suprahuman proportions and I need to accommodate myself toall its new requirements!
The problem is that whenever I find myself compelled to read about some particular matter, my mind starts soaring with ideas of all the things i'd love to be reading instead, and I can barely resist the temptation of dropping the task at hand, and go read some other thing.

Until this very moment, there's been a gigantic pile of papers on my desk threatening to come down in a big crash and my bag...my poor bag is in complete mess, so much that it could take me minutes looking for the shreds of some terribly crumpled paper inside it!
I definitely should clean up all this mess around me, and once again, should've went to sleep quite some time before now!

Untitled

I wonder if i'll ever have the time to come here and write very often from now!
School duties are progressing at an abnormal pace, but i don't want to drown myself in work, only work, to not let me raise a finger and fall dead asleep right after.
In fact, I've lost that feeling of sleepiness before going to bed, I either have to fight against acute insomnia strikes or get dizzy from continuous working and go to bed quite automatically.
I hope i'd be back to normal as soon as possible!

Just like an adult...

I've hit 21 today, so one year went by by since I was last here on my blog, putting up something about me turning 20, and...yes, time passes so quickly!
I still read the post from my last birthday, actually, it made me laugh how I was hooked on the word "change" that day. That's because i've always thought that turning 20 meant going through some kind of metamorphosis, and that I needed to feel what it was like.
However, today I feel more resigned about turning into an adult (i still wonder what that word is supposed to mean)...I'm not going to grieve over sameness in anything: I've changed quite some things though , like my computer, my mp3 music player (it may sound a bit old-fashioned, but I don't want to leave the sipmlicity of this little gadget and I don't mind withdrawing it from my bag there where anyone seems to use more sophisticated engines). As insignificant as it may seem this is a valuable form of change to me, because these are the things i've got the most contact with and that i need to reflect my self upon.

They were the things I had the most contact with today too, I spent almost the whole afternoon doing the typing for some school stuff, while my phone would yell at me from time to time notifying me with wishes of a happy birthday.

Thanks for all the wishes, it reminds me that there are people who think about me and that I can't help but love in return!

PS: My song of the day was Above and Below by The Bravery. This song cheers me up incredibly!

Another sleepless night

It's almost 5:00 am and I didn't get a single hour of sleep.
I can't remember the last time I stayed awake that late at night, but it must have been months ago, because staying until 2:00 or 3:00 is starting to take normal proportions for me.
I don't want to convince myself with the fact that i might be turning into an insomniac, but it seems that sleep deprivation have struck enough this week for me to become one.
I don't want to get caught into that spiral of sleepless nights, the problem is that its effects are already starting to show up.
I'm getting restless and agitated, my heart beats fast and my hands shake. I'm also getting alert to every little sound or moment around me.
In the morning however, and unless I get some "additionnal" sleep hours -thing i can hardly afford these days -it is a feeling of numbness that takes over my body and i find it difficult to concentrate on any action that i undertake.

I know, all my entries those last days have turned into some kind of complaint, but that's what's blogging is supposed to be about , isn't it? Moments of joy and hilary, but even those "life-sucks" phases one can go through!
But I mainly write for my soul, it's more of a self-therapy for me, and my tendancy to write quite regularly in here the few days that elapsed confirmed this opinion.
However, if it does suck the life out of too to come and read this, or if i'm being contagious transmitting any negative vibes, try to not drop by in here some days yet to come.

PS: I'm listening to a very soothing piece of music (click here) by Carter Burwell , try to take some time to enjoy it. It is just mesmerizing!

The steamroller is on!

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that some really weird things have been going on with her lately! Things she never tought she'd go through in a small period of time, and that would've taken much more time to happen in the standard conformity of events!
Actually, what she said hit really close to home for me. As if she managed to put in words what has been at the heart of many of my concerns, and that i've been trying to get over without my even even being able to know what it's about!
Because it is strange how everything conspires to make you feel weird on times, like events scrolling so fast on the screen of your life that you can't seem to be able to relate to them. So you just let them slip by, go their own way (that is yours too), while trying deep inside you to understand their course, react to them, do anything to make sure that it's YOU that they're being happening to.
But the steamroller is on and won't wait for you to catch up!

Apathy...

Apathy is my current state of mind!
For there are times on which i know i should lose hold upon things, and let life take its course, -not that i can change anything about it-!
Feelings of carelessness, attitudes of feigned or real indifference may not appear to be best, -working-in-all-conditions- solutions. But I think that they're much better than obsessing over things, and wasting time and energy thinking about trivialities.
Apathy for me is and always will be a bliss, it's not that i'm turning into some kind of zombie. But I think that apathy reveals acceptance for who we are, not surrender nor losing our will to dream and hope. We can continue to exist, feel and think within apathy
It's a state of mind elation i want to mantain as long possible, knowing there are no perspectives of some particular reason to be happy, rather lose some of those last days reality.

Last sunday before 21

It's the first of November, precisely one week before I turn 21.
I've always been counting down the days to my "birthdays", but I guess it's kind of universal!
I love this feeling of excitement we get at the thought of it approaching, how we want to make everything ready to welcome the D Day under the best circumstances. We even come to acquire some "pre-ceremonial" behaviours, not to be reproduced outside the occasion.
We can forgive, forget some of our everyday miseries, we no longer want to think of anything likely to spoil the magic of the day.
I wish for next sunday to come and find me in better spirits than I'm in (have been in for the past few day). I generally don't like sundays, they're all monotonous, boring and find me in a quite a bad mood.
Today was no exception to "my theory of sundays". Pitiful, isn't it?

Insomnia...

It's 2:00 am and I can't find sleep!
I'm trying to keep myself busy doing some homework, while I perfectly know that it's not an appropriate time for soliciting any mental capacities.
I feel like I'm getting consumed by some kind of "hyperactivity"; like my mind being constantly working. I don't know... my energy is undergoing some kind of wastful consumption and it's tiring me out!
Halt self! You're deviating to serious complaining now, and that's no good for you.
I definitely have to to go to bed, last night was one of terrible nightmares, it's strange how i've had them all right in a row, like consecutive episodes of some scary serial!

I miss the rain...

I miss the rain, I miss the sound of its drops hitting my window glass, I miss the soothing and refreshing smell of the wet morning soil, after it has rained all night long.
I need the rain to come andwash away all my fears and worries. I want to feel the cool morning breeze flowing through my veins, reaching my heart , restoring calm and serenity to my ever-rambling soul.

I need to feel the taste of its drops upon my tongue, and let them run down into my soul. I've always been fond of the rain since my childhood days, I don't know if my being born on a month like November has anything to do with that, but the heat have lasted enough for me this season, it has taken over the mild spell of the late october days. I don't want it to spoil the magic -at least in my imagination-of the upcoming month.
I blame geographical contingencies for my being born in a place where hot season prevails!

Lecture matinale

" Une liberté individuelle sans cesse augmentée conduira de plus en plus chacun à se considérer responsable de sa seule sphère personnelle, professionnelle et privée, à n'obéir en apparence qu'à s'on propre caprice et en fait aux normes fixant les exigences de sa propre survie. [...] l'homme de demain percevra le monde comme une totalité à son service, dans la limite des normes imposées par les assurances à son compotement individuel; il ne verra l'autre que comme un outil de son propre bonheur, un moyen de se procurer du plaisir ou de l'argent, voire les deux. Nul ne songera plus à se soucier d'autrui: Pourquoi partager quand il faut se battre? Pourquoi faire ensemble quand on est concurrents? Plus personne ne pensera que le bonheur d'autrui puisse lui être utile. Encore moins cherchera-t-on son bonheur dans celui de l'autre.
Le monde ne sera qu'une juxtaposition de solitudes [...], pour contrecarrer cette solitude, beaucoup choisiront de partager à tout âge, avec d'autres, provisoirement ou durablement, un toit des biens, des avantages, des combats, des jeux [...]. Beaucoup checheront dans ces réseaux d'ininies occasions de rencontres précaires rémunérées ou non."

Je n'ai pas choisi de publier cet extrait d'une "brève histoire de l'avenir" pour faire l'éloge de ce prototype humain décrit par Jacques Attali et qui est selon lui la manifestation de la "première vague de l'avenir."
En fait, ce culte du moi, ce mouvement vers le triomphe de valeurs indivudialistes (si tant est qu'on puisse les nommer ainsi) a toujours eu tendance à me faire peur et à susciter ma révulsion.
Ainsi, m'étais-je surprise ce matin à lire et à relire le passage ci dessus, pensant longuement à l'avenir inéluctable vers lequel tend les relations humaines.
Ces valeurs qui régiront le monde de demain, prônant unconditionnellement la prévilégisation du bien être individuel, feront s'ils ne le font déjà que tout le monde soit en quête de cette propulsion du Moi au dessus de la masse humaine, qui n'est désormais qu'un "amas" d'autruis tous considérés concurrents, se livrant ainsi à la recherche perpétuelle d'un bonheur ne pouvant exister qu'en puisant dans celui des autres.
Cette image "morose" quoique loin d'être surprenante pour moi de l'avenir de nos sociétés humaines, ne m'a pas laissé cependant indifférente.
Cet homme n'est-il pas en train de nous livrer sans déguisement quelconque l'image de nos relations de tous les jours sous sa forme la plus crue?
On a beau prétendre ne pouvoir évoluer qu'au sein d'une société en compagnie d'individus, on nous assome chaque jour à coup de doses d'humain, qu'on nous incorpore du matin à l'école jusqu'au soir en regardant sa télé, bref : dans tout ce à dont l'autre puisse prendre part jusqu'à ce qu'on y adhère par quelque candide besoin.
Certes on ne peu nier que ce qui définit l'intinct humain sont les sentiments. Ils sont à la base de toutes nos réactions, on n'agit qu'en réponse à cette pulsion qui n'est autre que celle du ressenti. Un ressenti qui si jamais réprimé ne manque pas de se manifester sans que l'on se rende vraiment compte. Tout celà par rapport à autrui, ce même autrui épris d'absolu dans la satisfaction de ses désirs, dans sa quête perpétuelle du bonheur que rien ne semble pouvoir assouvir.
En écrivant ces quelques lignes le matin dans ma chambre à l'internat, je songeai à quel point je devrais intégrer cette dimension de l'autre dans ma vie quotidienne.
Je ne me plairais pas à me décrire comme étant le modèle humain dont il est question au passage, je suis d'ailleurs loin de pouvoir en faire partie quoique j'en aie vraiment envie par moments. Et si un jour j'y adhère par quelque force majeur, je n'oserai m'en vanter aussi ostensiblement.
Parce que jusqu'à ce moment, je sais que cette perception que je me fais de l'autre ne laisse pas de se répercuter sur mon être, meuble mes moments de solitude de réflexions tous intégrant l'"autre". L'autre puissant, l'autre subversif, l'autre vulnérable, l'autre caméléon ne me cesse de me surprendre chaque jour de plus en plus.

21 Guns

21 Guns is a song by Green day I just found about today.
It's one of the band's greatest hits, I've added it to my playlist and can'tstop listening to it ever since. One of my best starting today!
I find the music particularly overwhelming, perfectly matching my mood . It made me cry like I never thought I would today.
It's strange how one song can brings forth the most buried of feelings and purify the soul, oh how much it does!

Do you know what's worth fighting for?

When it's not worth dying for?

Does it take your breath away

And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?

And you look for a place to hide?

Did someone break your heart inside?

You're in ruins

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road

And you lost all sense of control

And your thoughts have taken their toll

When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass

And the hangover doesn't pass

Nothing's ever built to last

You're in ruins

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own

When you burned down the house and home?

Did you stand too close to the fire

Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die

And you can't get another try

Something inside this heart has died

You're in ruins

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns

Lay down your arms, give up the fight

One, 21 guns

Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

-Green day '21 Guns'-

In my head...

Some memories strike when you least expect it, hurt like hell and leave you carry a feeling of deep tearing mourning.

I don't know if i should even call them memories, they're more like distorted images of the past, with nothing special about them that could make them pop up that often in my head, but maybe they took place on times I do miss now without my even knowing why, reminding me of a more serene mind set. I can recall there was a smell of joy in the air, i can hear laughs warming up the cold weather of a cold october evening, i'm sure i was happy at the time, i'm so damn sure i was!.

It's about much time i cease to be a "helpless nostalgic", it makes me weak and it sucks the life out of me. I'm growing weary of all my subconcious tricks, a button of mental stop should be pressed and i just can't put my finger on it!

PS: This is my second post in my series of "delirious state of mind entries". If any insanity premises are being freed from what's written, please let me know.

Delirium...

In my last entry, i talked about the time i'd be back in here, to purge out my soul out of this intamable voice inside my head that'd be urging me to write!
well...it is generally on times like these when i'm overflowing with emotions , that i know i should release some of this intensity (i don't know whether it's an intensity of emotions or a disguised feeling of real tension), but on times like these, I know i should sit at my desk and do the typing write in here, let words come out, take over me, take over every fear of acknowledging what i'd feel at that time, immerse my self in that stream of unbrideled emotions, write my wrongs, my frustrations, my imperfections but even my moments of sheer hilary and euphoriac delirium (i don't have any for now)
But my emotions write now are so mixed up, i've been alternating betwen several moods those last days that i don't know which of them is guiding my seek of relief for now, I don't know why i am even writing this now, maybe my yesterday peturbed night and my first day strangling morning phobia are catching me back! but i'm home now and that makes all the inspiration of the moment, if i stayed in that place i know i'd be by now putting my head into that dusty cupboard and screaming all this out loud!
PS: This last sentence doesn't make any sense and i know it, i hope i'll be back with some thing more readable, until then wish me as they put it themselves a happy integration (to be pronounced in solennel french accent).

It's been a while...

Having not posted for about six months time, I feel unfair towards that passion i once thought insatiable of keeping a blog and updating it with "highlights" of my life -i still don't know what are the things i've been through that i should call so; but i guess i mustn't have had many of them!
I know that I happen to go through some "neglect assaults" -quite compulsively- that prevent me from undertaking any kind of action likely to last in time, but i mainly wanted to put more order into my ideas through blogging, as if the thought of them being somewhere here, under my sight and not only confined somewhere into my mind, will help me get a tighter grasp on things.
But i'm glad i'm finally getting the opportunity to write this, actually i've been awaiting for more than a month to retrieve some of the spirit that i'd allow me to add that precise entry and assume some of the reality that i'd be putting in it.
A reality that killed much of the magic of the last entry, and that left me grieve over every word in it.
A reality that will leave me carry the memory of two of the best years i've ever spent or that i'd just be spending in my life!Let's face it people ( or shall i say self), i'm leaving the school where i spent two amazing years, have had the closest friendships to my heart, and got over the dreadful feeling of failure i thought would be paralyzing for life!
I know i've been longing for my new school for what feels like 4 years now, but the pain that change has caused me, got me rethink the dearest wishes to my heart and wish it hadn't just come true!
I pray everyday for that change to be for the better, i'm dreading delusion more than ever. OMG, I so need to get over this!
I promise i'll keep up with the updates (if anyone ever cares reading this), I know my need for writing next time will be so urging.
Regards,

Friendship is a blessing

Good friends are a blessing, they're what makes our life enjoyable and regenerate will and hope within us. Either the will for starting a new school day or undertaking any kind of action that just the thought of them being part of it will let us head for it whith immense pleasure.
I do feel thankful for my friends, for their being here in my life; for their pouring new meanings of real love everyday within me. Thank you for every precious moment we've spent together and that i'll just spend with you , precious with deep feelings of caring and understanding, precious because this is just how I feel about them, good or bad, of hilarious joy or utter pain, they're precious to me and so will they remain

Expected...easy to swallow!

Finding out about a truth, as benign as this truth might be, is something that will certainly alter our being and the way we're perceiving things in. But being faced with a reality that was somehow expected, has really little to do with a real finding at least, it shouldn't affect us the way un unexpected one may do, that's because the accomplished fact could more than once had been considered as a part of a process i'd call "truth simulation". Thus, the odds of us getting through turmoil when knowing about it, are no longer the same.
And just as many of you can possibly think: As long as something hasn't really been taking place, we can by no means assume it to be a truth or to put it in proverbial words: "What the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't grieve over".
However, a new variable getting involved in our assumption of things will doubtlessly cause some some serious deep changes to occur. What makes the whole difference here as to what this change will cost us is one's personal willingness to assume it as a truth!

Moderating hopes

People generally tend to expect help from others more than they can provide themselves with.

When we aim at attaining something, and that other people can make us get what we want, we quite inconsciously hang a big part of our hope on them, so much that we tend to say that we've been desillusioned or let down by people we were expecting a lot from when one of them doesn't provide the help needed.

So many times we blame others for being behind not our getting what we want or for not having helped it. But the real blame should be put on ourselves, on our uncapacity to accept failures or refusals. What does it mean to be denied something by someone, (that's in case we assume it to be a right). Or what does it make to find out about someone's other side only because that person didn't meet our expectations somewhere along the road?

I don't know how this is being happening to me, but I'm feeling something of it right now. Maybe I should make myself stronger in some way, in more accepting reactions and responses, in building hopes only on what is not likely to let me down someday, and especially confiding in myself a little more before trusting anyone else.

Not this time!

So here I am...stuck at home again, trying to make make myself ready for a whole week exams I'm actually far from being able to get ready for...
I don't know how many weekends I've consecutively been spending here at home, but I guess it's been quite a long time since I've last went out doing some saturday shopping or been to my grandma's home for which I feel an outburst of deep yearning like never before ! It's not that I've always had something precise to do on these days, but on times, I just didn't feel like going anywhere, it's a kind of inner emptiness that no human contact seem to be able to fill.
But now that I need to gather all my forces and will to work, I feel I'm eager to some people company so much that I can't get to focus on anything that I'm doing. I perfectly know that it's not an appropriate time for holding such a feeling, but I just can't help it!