Old but unwise (Birthday musing)

I'm turning twenty-three today...and this actually scares me.

It scares me because it reminds me (like every year) that I'm not good at keeping up with the pace of getting older. My birthdays have this common, unfailing characteristic among them of quite taking me by surprise.

I'm not afraid of the fact of getting older, the process itself doesn't scare me! My apprehensionstems only from the prospect that I might have to take on a different persona, to put on some kind of disuguise in order to cope with daily social interactions or responsibilities on the horizon.

I sincerely believe that my approach to life and attitude towards people ought to have changed by now. My decisions are still  tainted by a great deal of a recklessness, emotional outbursts and mere affinity. I tend to lose interest in anything not likely to help me indulge in my dreamy musings and wishful thinking, and I fear that my lack of practicality will end up making me feeling left out and disillusioned.

There are no plans or pathways clearly laid out for me that I would proudly and confidently walk. Moroever my deteriorating self image and confidence don't make this little world of mine any better place to live in.

However, and amidst all the frustrations, the turmoil, the highs, the lows, the deceptions, the twists and turns, I feel content with my life and am hopeful and receptive of what it has to offer. I am thankful for so many little things, for the presence of so many people and I hold the utmost unwavering confidence that better things -yes!better things- will come along.

PS: I don't smoke and smoking actually revulses me. I just liked the atmosphere of the photo above.

Listening to: Writing to Reach you by Travis

... makes me laugh, cry, sing along with it, want to fall in love, shout out any thought that happens to cross mind at the moment to the world, fall like a feather to the ground to find no cushion...and just live boundlessly.

Craving Mylo Xyloto!

Back from Black

School starts on wednesday and God I HATE that! I really do hateTHAT!!...It actually caught me by surprise.

Why do they have to start it all so early this year?...I still have books on my reading list that I haven't started yet, I still want to sleep after dawn to watch the sunrise but I mostly still need to accustom myself to my 'hair-nakedness' and embrace it. I've got no desire to show up at school without me having grasped my new reality, so that I can make it known to others and put up with any possible "harsh comments". That said, I don't think people are as nosy and intrusive as to dare making any...who gives a damn after all? and who in the world is immuned against sins and mistakes? I have an acute full knowledge of the sinful character of my deed but I'd hate having to undergo critism from peple who are in absolutely no position to lecture me on something that God and God ONLY can judge me for!

I tell myself

So I keep telling myself there where no one would ever tell me...
and I'm afraid it seems at times as if words make no sense to anyone but me.

Caught in the in-betweens

on weheartit

I thought I found a reason to get over all this

A reason to make my stand clear, to make my stand plain

but the shadows of uncertainty keep hovering over it

for cryptic my stand has been and cryptic it shall remain

Trying my best not to dwell on "whatifs" and "might have-beens"

Evidence reminds me that I'm caught in the in-betweens

Medina of Tetouan (I)

There's light at the end of the tunnel -I

A circle within a circle...

It almost looks like a painting!

" Maybe I am not very human-What I wanted to do
was to paint sunlight on the side of a house"

- Edward Hopper-

There's light at the end of the tunnel -II-

"Summer afternoon, summer afternoon; to me those have always
been the most beautiful words in the English language"
-Henry James-

Lovely kitties!

Things I'm in love with

from weheartit

I’m in love with polka dot dresses
I’m in love with beautiful music
I’m utterly in love with this Muriel Barbery's book: 'The Elegance of The Hedghog'
I’m in love with inspirational writing
I’m in love with happy memories that come unbidden… sparkling memories that so agreeably work their way into my brain and never fail to draw a wistful smile across my lips
I’m in love with sunny mornings and the delicious smell of steaming coffee
I’m in love with pink nail polish
I’m in love with the ubiquitous nature of emotions
I’m in love with moments of unadulterated happiness; I’m in love with their consistency and that feeling of generosity that nourishes them…
I’m in love with kind; I’m on love with simple
I’m in love with all those little things that give me strength to welcome each new day with unfailing hope…
…All these things I mull over as I lay in my bed, voices and images I keep playing in my head like a movie or a sweet lullaby that lulls me off to sleep…
I’m in love with love
Love as I intend it!

Worn Me Down

I'm worn down, REALLY...and that's probably all there is to it!

On late "immaturity"

I thought I was a grown-up... I realize I've become a child again!

A child with an over-inflated ego....a starkly immature human being whithout the slightest sense of judgment.

I've lost my points of reference, my mechanisms of selectivity has been distorted...my dualistic sense annihilated: What's good and what's bad, what's right and what's wrong after all?

I need my logic back, I need to look at life through those same discerning eyes I once used to have!

My selection criteria have been turned upside down, and I hate myself for that...I hate myself for having let me be reduced to such a petty and immature creature, just because I let myself be surrounded by immaturity and plunged into mimicry without my even noticing it!

In My Place

Absolutely, unconditionnaly...irrevocably in love with this!


Coldplay - in my place

I'll be your plastic toy, I'll be your plastic toy...

On weheartit

Once again, the world seems to be conspiring against my nervous system and once again I forget that at some points in life, it's better to just let go and stop trying to make sense of everything because human behavior is not governed by some sort of immutable equation...

I know I tend to over-analyze situations, and that I am a bit quick to take the blame looking for the slightest opportunity to take full reponsibility of some of life mishaps, but that's just part of who I am and I've come to realize so far that there's nothing I could do about it...

I might be touchy and overly sensitive at times, I can be impulsive, blunt and whimsical living inside my head quite a lot, forgetting about teachings and preachings and losing track of expectations but I'll keep on growing by my own standards, they're the only ones I put for myself and the only ones I'll mind living up to...and this is no illusion to growing up, I read somewhere that we grow in all directions not just up and I found this rather reassuring!

I've been asking myself this: Beyond intellectual stimulation and mutual bewilderment, what is there to blame onself for? (kind of twisted I know!)

PS: This is my 100th post, I know I should've made it somewhat different than the others but this is all I can come up with for the time being. Happy 100th post dear blog!

Sometimes...

Like everytime I see a movie and fall in love with the soundtrack, here's a song I've been absolutely waiting to put on here ever since I heard it, plus I found a video of the song with scenes that capture the essence of the movie, it's more like a sumary of it with the music in the background making the story flow on so beautifully.

My Bloody Valentine-Sometimes ( A little bit noisy but incontestably melodious :))

Lost in Translation

All quotes from the movie 'Lost in Translation'

"-I just don't know what I'm supposed to be".

"-You'll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you."

"I tried taking pictures, but they were so mediocre. I guess every girl goes through a photography phase. You know, horses... taking pictures of your feet".

"Why do you have to point out how stupid everyone is all the time?"

"-25 years. That's uh, well it's impressive".

"-Well you figure, you sleep one-third of your life, that knocks out eight years of marriage right there. So you're, y'know, down to 16 in change. You know you're just a teenager, at marriage, you can drive it but there's still the occasional accident."

PS: I actually am not the kind to be much into movies, however seeing 'Lost in Translation' has been one craving I will undoubtedly be fulfilling...hopefully this will be a starting point for more future movie seeings!

Silence no longer feels awkward to me...

on we heartit

You have no power over me...how could you just have power over me when you are not real

I should be able to dismiss all that is of no relevance to me, all thoughts that have been woven by the threads of fear and irrationality...
I dwelled upon them once and now I realize I should've never EVER let them in,
They may be here, lingering in the back of my mind...still I am the same, I have the power of my will

I may not be strong, I certainly am not strong and this is no claim for empathy, no call for compassion...

I know that which I choose to believe in and that which it is not possible for me one day to give in to!

Still she thinks she can resist...

And no,... I haven't given up on that thing called blogging yet, it's just that I haven't been able to get myself into writing mode of late. I wouldn't go as far as to diagnose myself with a writer's block since I haven't been able to sort out the symptoms inherent to this syndrom, there just has been was a whole physical manifestation of unproductivity and emotional distress that's been preventing me from sqeezing any creative juices from my brain!

I've never entertained the idea that feeling and thinking are too distinct processes, operating separately one from the other... however, i've never thought they'd be linked to each other on such a large scale! I've always seen things and tasks ahead in terms of bringing myself to do them rather than waiting for the moment when i'll be feeling like doing them, not that I see 'writing' as a task per se but it just takes on the propotions of a domino effect for me: a state of utter laziness and apathy that spares no active form of attempting to relate to the world around me. Still, if there's one thing I could 'commend' myself about amidst this helpless sitation, it would be my ability to still relish in listening to music, good music to remind me that what the mind can't take, the heart will always find means to get over.