01st January 20222
Yes I’m still alive! Yes I’m breathing...It’s been almost 2 weeks now. I’m doing better, yes I’m doing better. I didn’t thought I’d be in what I’d so gladly identity as ‘good spirits’ just yet but it seems to me that I do, Yes I do! I’m crying but I’m happy. I will not seek closure anymore, it’s not because I won’t get one actually, but because I believe that I don’t need it. I was grieving the fact that I need a final conversation, an explanation, some kind of alibi...a valid ‘reason’ to wash away the pain, but I was afraid to admit it. I thought I could never get away with that feeling of something being incomplete...unachieved that disgusting feeling of an ‘unhappy’ending and that crippling fear of actually not being to do anything about it. That constant nagging urge that you have to speak, to demand solace, to beg for it! Now I understand that not all endings have to be happy, right? Life is no fairy tale after all! The pain has to be lived, to even be savored. It ought to be accepted, it ought to be embraced. Every feeling, good or bad, is within me, its source is within me. It has erupted from the volcano of my soul, from the depths of my existence...and I’m fully responsible for it. I will bring every nascent feeling into FULL existence and I am not afraid! Everything will be OK, I know it, Of that I am convinced convinced!
May
