I love it when it rains

It's raining right now!
I'm bored of the sunshine
I wish the rain would keep on falling...

A Beautiful Revolution

So...i didn't write for a whole week . I wouldn't pride myself on my-not-having-anything-good to-say state of mind, but I guess I have been quite a babbling blogger lately which finally amounts to nothing good. However, today i've decided update my blog, it would be a shame not doing so on an empty sunday and what is more while being on a vacation!
I envy those people can afford the genius of wallowing themselves in mutiness from time to time and do not blog until they have something brilliant to share, I'd personnaly interpret it as a the sign of a stability and inner peace phase which is absolutely not my case .
I keep reading over my last entries, and except one of them I think , they're all depressive; but that's nothing I ignore. Why would I just? This is the only one thing that's been urging me to come and write very often this whole month.
I'm one who believe in extremes, there are no half measures for me to do the things I really need to to do. This is mostly revealed in writing, because unless I reach this intensity treshhold in feelings or thoughts I know I won't be able to put down a single word; or even if I manage to write something by the conjunction of some conditions I ignore, I know that it's nothing I really want to convey.

Some of the works I really admired today is the Postcards I may send Section from a blog called A Beautiful Revolution, from where I got the picture above.
The drawings are so simple yet very funny and revealing, I decidedly grew to love the blog.
Along with this new finding, I started my day with another good bunch of postcards from postsecrets, it's becoming my favorite sunday ritual.
PS: I'm enjoying a wonderful piano ballad called The Meadow from the New Moon soundtrack, though I haven't seen the movie yet, the few opinions I got to gather haven't been very encouraging.

I don't know how I feel at this precise moment.
I don't know how I've even made up my mind to come and write in here, my mind is blank and my thoughts are extremely confused.
I feel different things at a time, I'm tired but I can't go to sleep, I'm anxious without my being able to know why, I'm bored and my fingers are swollen, though quite prematurely this year since winter hasn't started yet.
I went to see my friends after class with a sore throat and a heart swollen with joy! I hadn't seen them in more than a month.
I was crazy excited, and spent the whole afternoon chatting and laughing so much that I compeletely lost my -already having started to get hoarse -voice.
I felt joy and euphoria in an afternoon more than I could've felt in months and bursted into tears on my way back home!
PS: I'm getting extremely unproductive, and can't settle myself down to work. Damn my laziness!!

Uninspired...

My memory frightens me!
It is uncontrollable, untameable and is taking power over me. It just makes me feel hepless that I can do nothing to fight or just follow its course. It has this power to play sounds in my ears, bring images into my sight and makes me immerse myself in the sheer illusion of the moment.
I just lose track of all that's around me and start living whithin my thoughts. I know that it is just my imagination, that I have to get back to reality, that reality is after all what makes me seek relief in my thoughts but I feel different, my fears are chased away and the stream of my thoughts is stirring...sometimes tears even start coming down my face and I suddenly find myself crying bitterly.
I'm not depressed, I'm not being suicidal developing any will to escape from the life I lead, there are so many things I feel thankful for, I'm just sad and don't seem to be able to let get go of things from my past that I sometimes feel the need to lose hold on reality, reality for me is not a moment fixed in time, not a state, not a fact or series of facts that are taking place but it reveals my whole way of thinking, and thinking can be on times harder to endure than any sad reality!

Scattered thoughts...

I can feel life flowing through my veins again
I haven't felt quite like this for days
I don't know what the future holds
But I'm ready to embrace it
I feel free
I feel vivid
I feel alive
I'm enchanted by the serenity of my soul
It's within me
Trying to reach out from deep under my skin
But it can't surface
It won't surface
It's so magical
So unreal
That I don't want anything to bellitle it
I don't want it to be revealed through some mundane reality
Its abstraction fascinates me...
Maybe I'm starting to rave again
But it no longer frigthens me
Call me hormonal, call me emotional, call me a softy
I'm just a dreamer
And that's enough for me!

Yet another rambling post

So I lost my passion to write the last couple of days. Words have completely eluded me while clumsy thoughts kept rushing through my head.
I had a prolonged-14-hours sleep on friday night, which seem to have only loosend my muscles and made me feel even lazier. But that's because I was also starting to catch a bad cold, so I took one of those flu medicines that always makes you end up curling up under a blanket, and so I succombed to the whim of two consecutive nights of huge sleep; not without some sting of culpability-, but I hope I'll make up for this later on this week.

PS: I'm waiting impatiently for the relase of "new moon" which will be in the few days to come, I definitely loved the book and hope that the movie will be as good!

Letter to self

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeak I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here not there'
(not there)
And you'd give anythingto get what's fair
(what's fair)
But fair ain't what you really need
Can't you see what I see

They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, so I never thought I could
Steady feet don't fail me now
I will run 'til you can't walk
Something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down

[Lyrics by One Republic]
-------------------------------------------------
Dear self,

I know you've been trying so hard to fight this contradictory feelings mingle inside you.
You've been living inside your thoughts for quite some time now, taking refuge in the endless possibilities your unbrideled imagination provided you with, it didn't seem it could ever work with you, but it finally did, and you should feel blessed for that!
There's been something wrong with you, that no one seemed to be able to help with and that you didn't know much about yourself.

But your imagination didn't fail you, your tendancy to feel things intensively turned out to be something positive this time, the little joys of life could still make you feel exhilarated; it made you feel safe amidst all the uncertainties surrounding you.

You've never been a fervent adept of change,the word 'new' alone gave and still gives shills down your spine. It doesn' take anyone much time or perspicacity to bring forth this side of you.
Your love for your fiends is endless and it will ever be, and it won't be easy for you to leave them behind. But that's nothing new, it's always been the case with you.
You should be able to face it all, and start positivising more about things around you.
I wish you the bestof luck

The other you,

In a mess...

As I said in my previous post, work is starting to take suprahuman proportions and I need to accommodate myself toall its new requirements!
The problem is that whenever I find myself compelled to read about some particular matter, my mind starts soaring with ideas of all the things i'd love to be reading instead, and I can barely resist the temptation of dropping the task at hand, and go read some other thing.

Until this very moment, there's been a gigantic pile of papers on my desk threatening to come down in a big crash and my bag...my poor bag is in complete mess, so much that it could take me minutes looking for the shreds of some terribly crumpled paper inside it!
I definitely should clean up all this mess around me, and once again, should've went to sleep quite some time before now!

Untitled

I wonder if i'll ever have the time to come here and write very often from now!
School duties are progressing at an abnormal pace, but i don't want to drown myself in work, only work, to not let me raise a finger and fall dead asleep right after.
In fact, I've lost that feeling of sleepiness before going to bed, I either have to fight against acute insomnia strikes or get dizzy from continuous working and go to bed quite automatically.
I hope i'd be back to normal as soon as possible!

Just like an adult...

I've hit 21 today, so one year went by by since I was last here on my blog, putting up something about me turning 20, and...yes, time passes so quickly!
I still read the post from my last birthday, actually, it made me laugh how I was hooked on the word "change" that day. That's because i've always thought that turning 20 meant going through some kind of metamorphosis, and that I needed to feel what it was like.
However, today I feel more resigned about turning into an adult (i still wonder what that word is supposed to mean)...I'm not going to grieve over sameness in anything: I've changed quite some things though , like my computer, my mp3 music player (it may sound a bit old-fashioned, but I don't want to leave the sipmlicity of this little gadget and I don't mind withdrawing it from my bag there where anyone seems to use more sophisticated engines). As insignificant as it may seem this is a valuable form of change to me, because these are the things i've got the most contact with and that i need to reflect my self upon.

They were the things I had the most contact with today too, I spent almost the whole afternoon doing the typing for some school stuff, while my phone would yell at me from time to time notifying me with wishes of a happy birthday.

Thanks for all the wishes, it reminds me that there are people who think about me and that I can't help but love in return!

PS: My song of the day was Above and Below by The Bravery. This song cheers me up incredibly!

Another sleepless night

It's almost 5:00 am and I didn't get a single hour of sleep.
I can't remember the last time I stayed awake that late at night, but it must have been months ago, because staying until 2:00 or 3:00 is starting to take normal proportions for me.
I don't want to convince myself with the fact that i might be turning into an insomniac, but it seems that sleep deprivation have struck enough this week for me to become one.
I don't want to get caught into that spiral of sleepless nights, the problem is that its effects are already starting to show up.
I'm getting restless and agitated, my heart beats fast and my hands shake. I'm also getting alert to every little sound or moment around me.
In the morning however, and unless I get some "additionnal" sleep hours -thing i can hardly afford these days -it is a feeling of numbness that takes over my body and i find it difficult to concentrate on any action that i undertake.

I know, all my entries those last days have turned into some kind of complaint, but that's what's blogging is supposed to be about , isn't it? Moments of joy and hilary, but even those "life-sucks" phases one can go through!
But I mainly write for my soul, it's more of a self-therapy for me, and my tendancy to write quite regularly in here the few days that elapsed confirmed this opinion.
However, if it does suck the life out of too to come and read this, or if i'm being contagious transmitting any negative vibes, try to not drop by in here some days yet to come.

PS: I'm listening to a very soothing piece of music (click here) by Carter Burwell , try to take some time to enjoy it. It is just mesmerizing!

The steamroller is on!

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that some really weird things have been going on with her lately! Things she never tought she'd go through in a small period of time, and that would've taken much more time to happen in the standard conformity of events!
Actually, what she said hit really close to home for me. As if she managed to put in words what has been at the heart of many of my concerns, and that i've been trying to get over without my even even being able to know what it's about!
Because it is strange how everything conspires to make you feel weird on times, like events scrolling so fast on the screen of your life that you can't seem to be able to relate to them. So you just let them slip by, go their own way (that is yours too), while trying deep inside you to understand their course, react to them, do anything to make sure that it's YOU that they're being happening to.
But the steamroller is on and won't wait for you to catch up!

Apathy...

Apathy is my current state of mind!
For there are times on which i know i should lose hold upon things, and let life take its course, -not that i can change anything about it-!
Feelings of carelessness, attitudes of feigned or real indifference may not appear to be best, -working-in-all-conditions- solutions. But I think that they're much better than obsessing over things, and wasting time and energy thinking about trivialities.
Apathy for me is and always will be a bliss, it's not that i'm turning into some kind of zombie. But I think that apathy reveals acceptance for who we are, not surrender nor losing our will to dream and hope. We can continue to exist, feel and think within apathy
It's a state of mind elation i want to mantain as long possible, knowing there are no perspectives of some particular reason to be happy, rather lose some of those last days reality.

Last sunday before 21

It's the first of November, precisely one week before I turn 21.
I've always been counting down the days to my "birthdays", but I guess it's kind of universal!
I love this feeling of excitement we get at the thought of it approaching, how we want to make everything ready to welcome the D Day under the best circumstances. We even come to acquire some "pre-ceremonial" behaviours, not to be reproduced outside the occasion.
We can forgive, forget some of our everyday miseries, we no longer want to think of anything likely to spoil the magic of the day.
I wish for next sunday to come and find me in better spirits than I'm in (have been in for the past few day). I generally don't like sundays, they're all monotonous, boring and find me in a quite a bad mood.
Today was no exception to "my theory of sundays". Pitiful, isn't it?